Not a Burden…

28 Sunday Aug 2016

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My tears make a path that no one dries
A path filled with let downs that never end.

A silent scene of flashbacks and memories that started the cries
All alone.. not even trying to burden a friend.

Butterflies fill my stomach and also my head
Overthinking at its worst, worst than its ever been.

Sleeping used to be comforting, but now it’s something I dread
Trying to hide the pain with just a small grin.

Emotional all the time, but showing no emotion at all
Ducking behind the walls I built with my own hands.

Thinking to myself, “these walls are so tall”
And my personality is just so “bland.”

::Sighs:: with the thought that no one cares
Feelings become irrelevant.

Thinking that life is just so unfair
And only believing the words that “they” never meant.

I’m better now or so I thought
Fighting it, for years and years.

The horror that my mind has brought
Gets me emotional and filled with fears.

Never going back, doubt clouds my face–
::thinking:: THIS will be my “last straw.”

Everything will eventually fall into place
Starting with Me– everything I am and all my flaws.

A Red Word

13 Saturday Aug 2016

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THIS feeling.
An overwhelming out-pour of need.
Or maybe– want.
Loneliness is a disease.
It consumes.
But you can never truly be alone… if you love yourself.
Is it really that hard?
Yes!
How can you WANT someone to love you, if you, yourself, don’t love you.
Stricken with the idea that someone can love you–
The idea that you can possibly love yourself?
No!?
Those voices in your head.

“You’re not worth it.”

But if YOU believe this, so will everyone else.
Worthless.
A word with MORE meaning than it ever intended.

Laugh Again…

17 Sunday Jul 2016

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I took for granted that I laughed everyday

Saying “I miss you” is just so cliché

Without you nothing is the same

I don’t even want to think about it or say your name

The house is empty without your presence

It only smells of burning flames and incense

It’s not even worth coming home anymore

I close my eyes and drop to the floor

I can’t even cry because I’ve become so numb

Thinking about THAT day, with a much different outcome

Because of this, she’s gone for good

The funny thing is, you knew she would

I have to figure out a way to go on

I can hear your voice saying, “Don’t worry you’re strong”

The days go by– one at a time

Praying for the day, I will be just fine

Maybe that day missing you, will come to an end

And you will somehow help me, laugh again.

Whispers in the Night

24 Tuesday May 2016

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Fighting back tears,
to once again hear your voice.

It all happened so fast,
I never had a choice.

Between restless nights
and tired days.

My mind wanders in and out,
Thoughts fade.

I try not think about you,
because it hurts too much.

Coming home everyday,
no hugs, no touch.

This doesn’t really happen,
this can be real life.

The headaches are severe,
the pain cuts like a knife.

I crave sleep,
to forget once again.

Forget about the darkness,
and how it’s really been.

I lay on my pillow,
my chest tight.

Hours later,

Only to be awaken by,

Whispers in the Night.

A Defining Moment

19 Tuesday Apr 2016

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You’re just a fantasy
of what I think I need.

Your presence makes me sick
but, I constantly need to feed.

Addicted to your behavior
but, I’m upset all time.

I keep coming back for more,
making sure that you’re all mine.

I swear this is normal,
I keep telling myself this.

This can’t be what they talk about…
Perfect bliss?

I gave it a shot,
there was a fine line.

I never felt that before,
so that had to be a bad sign.

Being around you,
makes my heart skip a beat.

But, I think that’s stress
or my body claiming defeat.

My patience is running out,
it’s literally almost done.

The fates have spoken,
and I think “They” won.

I can’t sleep at all,
because I feel so bad.

I dwell on memories
and the times we once had.

But I will not suffer another day,
with you by my side.

You do not defend my honor
or protect my pride.

Letting you go,
is the best thing I can do.

Forget what the movies say,
it’s not me… it’s YOU.

In a Drunken Stupor.

03 Thursday Mar 2016

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Drunk with despair
Trying to forget
But THIS was the moment
Where everything fell apart
My life was in shambles
I can’t think straight
Why?
Tell me I’m wrong.
No! I’m not.
THIS was the time
Who knew you would be taken from me
4 years later.
I miss you, with ALL of me,
ALL my being.
Who am I, without you?
I can’t believe I’m here.
4 years later.
4 years it took me to heal
I’m not healed
I can remember like it was yesterday,
Where they threw me out of the ER
I couldn’t see you like that.
Now you’re GONE.
I can’t imagine.
I struggle everyday.
My emotions overtake me.
Why?
Speak to me.
You can’t.
Only in my Dreams, I hear you, I speak to you.
I’m back in the place where I found out, You had a problem.
The memories are killing me.
Dying to relive the moment I found out.
So I can have another 4 years.
But NO, it’s over.
It’s done.
I have to live with this.

Addiction

11 Thursday Feb 2016

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The mind is deep and dark, but so is the club
Lights, smoke, alcohol- feelings become a blur

Stress takes a back seat, when THAT song comes on
Music so loud, your head throbs, but what’s new?

Reality sets in… “thinking” is not an option
Questions with no answers, running through the mind

Is this what it takes to forget?
Is this my only option?

Mood changes. Go with the flow…

This is much needed, a brief moment…a break

Sweat, blurred vision, an instantaneous high

Addiction IS the drugs, the alcohol, the sex, the food, the work, the smoking, the shopping, the internet, the gambling, the video games…

Fulfilling YOUR addiction, the crave subsides
Addicted to that feeling… of not feeling at all.

-Fin

A Tiny (New Year) Poem

01 Friday Jan 2016

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“Throw your penny down the “New Year” well,

if it comes true only time will tell.

The Devil will want you to use your penny to pay his toll,

but please think first before you sell your soul.

As the crowd waits for the BIG bright ball to drop,

in this moment, the whole world will stop.

As we begin another year,

live and let go of all your fears.

Look UP and never look BACK,

life will soon get back on track.

Just remember to stay nothing less than positive,

and always be aware of the life you want to live.”

Everyone Needs Encouragement.

30 Monday Nov 2015

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Don’t ever give up.
Hold on
Try to get along
I’m not saying nothing’s wrong
Just be strong
And soon your imagination
Will turn into determination
Then you will find some reconciliation
And find peace within yourself
But until then
You will have to bend
Just adjust
Buckle up
It’s going to be a bumpy ride
So set aside
Your emotions
Be open
To ideas
And let go of all your fears
Because time heals
Everything will soon work out
Don’t pout
Try and figure it out
Get your life together
Forget the stormy weather
Close your eyes and pray to see the sun
Open them
And hopefully
Your new beginning has just begun.