Tag Archives: poetry

“in Denial”

16 Saturday Nov 2019

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I cry in the shower to trick myself.

I’m the one in denial, no one else.

Water makes the tears disappear.

“It never happened, it was never there.”

I smile in public to trick myself.

I’m the one in denial, no one else.

People smile back with a nod or wave.

“I’m fine, I’m ok, I’m brave.”

I laugh in public to trick myself.

I’m the one in denial, no one else.

When everyone is laughing it’s hard to hear,

the sounds of panic and ALL my worst fears.

My mind showed me things that weren’t there.

Life to me just wasn’t fair.

I cried, I laughed and I smiled.

I tried to look normal on the inside.

In the end, I was only tricking myself.

I was in denial and never got help.

Finally…

22 Friday Sep 2017

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Standards are high
Needing someone willing to try.

Too grown to be let down,
but also too grown to keep someone around.

Take over my mind,
Not my body or my life.

When I see the glass half empty,
Can you see it half full?

Love me,
But give me time.

Time to understand what love really is
Time to see what my hearts wants, so it can give.

I’m tired
Tired of myself.

I finally chose me, so give me some space
I’ll eventually learn to love, BUT at my own pace.

“You Don’t Know Me…”

24 Saturday Sep 2016

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Thoughts invade my sleep, leaving me without any.
Tired.

I’m everyone’s strength, but who is mine?
Frustrated.

This “strength” has become my inner weakness.
Defeated.

Which mask should I put on today?
Pretending.

Each day feels different.
Changing.

Feelings bottled up, with nowhere to go.
Annoyed.

“They” wouldn’t understand.
Alone.

I will not let whatever-THIS- is get the best of me.
Determined.

It will never control who I am.
Driven.

I will be just fine.

 

**Dedicated to Someone Special

Not a Burden…

28 Sunday Aug 2016

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My tears make a path that no one dries
A path filled with let downs that never end.

A silent scene of flashbacks and memories that started the cries
All alone.. not even trying to burden a friend.

Butterflies fill my stomach and also my head
Overthinking at its worst, worst than its ever been.

Sleeping used to be comforting, but now it’s something I dread
Trying to hide the pain with just a small grin.

Emotional all the time, but showing no emotion at all
Ducking behind the walls I built with my own hands.

Thinking to myself, “these walls are so tall”
And my personality is just so “bland.”

::Sighs:: with the thought that no one cares
Feelings become irrelevant.

Thinking that life is just so unfair
And only believing the words that “they” never meant.

I’m better now or so I thought
Fighting it, for years and years.

The horror that my mind has brought
Gets me emotional and filled with fears.

Never going back, doubt clouds my face–
::thinking:: THIS will be my “last straw.”

Everything will eventually fall into place
Starting with Me– everything I am and all my flaws.

A Red Word

13 Saturday Aug 2016

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THIS feeling.
An overwhelming out-pour of need.
Or maybe– want.
Loneliness is a disease.
It consumes.
But you can never truly be alone… if you love yourself.
Is it really that hard?
Yes!
How can you WANT someone to love you, if you, yourself, don’t love you.
Stricken with the idea that someone can love you–
The idea that you can possibly love yourself?
No!?
Those voices in your head.

“You’re not worth it.”

But if YOU believe this, so will everyone else.
Worthless.
A word with MORE meaning than it ever intended.

Laugh Again…

17 Sunday Jul 2016

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I took for granted that I laughed everyday

Saying “I miss you” is just so cliché

Without you nothing is the same

I don’t even want to think about it or say your name

The house is empty without your presence

It only smells of burning flames and incense

It’s not even worth coming home anymore

I close my eyes and drop to the floor

I can’t even cry because I’ve become so numb

Thinking about THAT day, with a much different outcome

Because of this, she’s gone for good

The funny thing is, you knew she would

I have to figure out a way to go on

I can hear your voice saying, “Don’t worry you’re strong”

The days go by– one at a time

Praying for the day, I will be just fine

Maybe that day missing you, will come to an end

And you will somehow help me, laugh again.

Whispers in the Night

24 Tuesday May 2016

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Fighting back tears,
to once again hear your voice.

It all happened so fast,
I never had a choice.

Between restless nights
and tired days.

My mind wanders in and out,
Thoughts fade.

I try not think about you,
because it hurts too much.

Coming home everyday,
no hugs, no touch.

This doesn’t really happen,
this can be real life.

The headaches are severe,
the pain cuts like a knife.

I crave sleep,
to forget once again.

Forget about the darkness,
and how it’s really been.

I lay on my pillow,
my chest tight.

Hours later,

Only to be awaken by,

Whispers in the Night.

A Defining Moment

19 Tuesday Apr 2016

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You’re just a fantasy
of what I think I need.

Your presence makes me sick
but, I constantly need to feed.

Addicted to your behavior
but, I’m upset all time.

I keep coming back for more,
making sure that you’re all mine.

I swear this is normal,
I keep telling myself this.

This can’t be what they talk about…
Perfect bliss?

I gave it a shot,
there was a fine line.

I never felt that before,
so that had to be a bad sign.

Being around you,
makes my heart skip a beat.

But, I think that’s stress
or my body claiming defeat.

My patience is running out,
it’s literally almost done.

The fates have spoken,
and I think “They” won.

I can’t sleep at all,
because I feel so bad.

I dwell on memories
and the times we once had.

But I will not suffer another day,
with you by my side.

You do not defend my honor
or protect my pride.

Letting you go,
is the best thing I can do.

Forget what the movies say,
it’s not me… it’s YOU.

A Tiny (New Year) Poem

01 Friday Jan 2016

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“Throw your penny down the “New Year” well,

if it comes true only time will tell.

The Devil will want you to use your penny to pay his toll,

but please think first before you sell your soul.

As the crowd waits for the BIG bright ball to drop,

in this moment, the whole world will stop.

As we begin another year,

live and let go of all your fears.

Look UP and never look BACK,

life will soon get back on track.

Just remember to stay nothing less than positive,

and always be aware of the life you want to live.”

A Never-Ending Nightmare.

08 Tuesday Sep 2015

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Lay your head down to sleep.
Fears fill your mind.
Overthinking at its finest.
What does the future hold?
Can I?
Will I?
What am I?
Sweat beads form around your forehead.
Breathing heavily.
Dreaming of everything that can go wrong.
Chest is tight,
Tossing and turning as time refuses to stop.
This has to be nightmare.
The unknown, the unknown future.
Eyes moving rapidly behind its lids.

Life is moving.
Years are passing.
The same dream haunts my sleep,
so I don’t get any.
Insomnia moves me to walk around.
This is still just wasted time.

What was it all for?
What am I trying to tell myself?
What does it all mean?

Lay back down.
Eyes bloodshot and burning.
Sun rises, as light peaks through the window.
It’s morning and I’m still ridden with fear.
I must be sleeping.
But, like a slap in the face, reality sets in…

No.
My Life IS the Nightmare!

And I just have to wake up.